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Media

Releases | Trailers | Images | Scripts

Masthead - Gray BKG | 400x417 | rbg | png | 72 dpi | rightclick = copy

Questions?

Email : Bill at WilliamCruse dot com

Quotes

Q: What is Suzze Osmond, Ex-Christian about?

A: Suzze is about the Christian ideology of original sin clothed in the Freudian scatological subconscious.
(That’s what somebody told me. I have no idea what it means.) 
Suzze is about the power of belief and the horrible cost of ignorance, how, in an irrational society, it is ignorance that guides us and defines who we are, usually to a bad end.

Connie Wellborne

A: Suzze is about the absurdity of belief.

The Publisher

Q: Is there a lesson?
A lesson? Like a moral to the story? Well, I guess. There’s always a moral. But I hope it’s just a fun story. But I understand. Critics need something to latch on to, something to criticize I suppose or they wouldn’t have a job, would they? They need to tell you how your fun story isn’t literature, and Suzze isn’t literature, heaven forbid. So maybe the theme or the lesson or the moral is that, as a country, America just needs to take a big, cleansing poop. There, I said it.

Connie Wellborne

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Announcements | Releases

Suzze Osmond Ex-Christian Donates Proceeds to Humanist Organizations

For Immediate Release Pending
Date | Location

Suzze Osmond Ex-Christian Donates Proceeds to Humanist Organizations

Subhead to come.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas.

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Move Over Jesus, There's a New Girl In Town

For Immediate Release Pending
Date | Location

Move Over Jesus, There's a New Girl In Town

Subhead to come.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas.

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Move Over Jesus Chronicles the Rise and Fall of Pop-Up Churches and Get-Ahead Christians

For Immediate Release Pending
Date | Location

Move Over Jesus Chronicles the Rise and Fall 
of Pop-Up Churches and Get-Ahead Christians

Pastor Steve, a man of $400 T-shirts and vintage Nikes.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas.

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In the War Between the Christians and the Atheists, They Have the Numbers but We Have the Brains

For Immediate Release Pending
Date | Location

In the War Between the Christians and the Atheists,
They Have the Numbers but We Have the Brains

Subhead to come.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas.

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Author Cherry Santana Takes a Poop on Richard Dawkins.

For Immediate Release Pending
Date | Location

Author Cherry Santana Takes a Poop on Richard Dawkins

Subhead to come.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur.

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas.

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.

Description

Demographics | Genre Tags | Audience | Details | Links

Description

Fiction | 358 'Book' Pages
Picaresque Humor, Satire, Magical Realism
Strong Female Lead
Audience: Artists, Atheists, Feminists, Humanists, Free-Thinkers
Episodes 1-2-3

Recommended 16+ | No explicit sex | Situation-appropriate profanity

Product Details

  • Publisher: Graham & Swaggart Publishing
  • Publication Date: March 7, 2017
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B06XGWGPT1 (Amazon eBook)
  • Word Count: 82,600
  • ISBN: 978-1544624891 (Print Paperback)
  • Print Length: 346 pages
  • BISAC: Fiction/Satire FIC052000

Keywords/Tags

Atheist Fiction, Atheist Movement, Militant Atheist, New Atheism

Christian Contemporary, Christian Comedy, Christian Books for Women, Christian Mystery and Suspense, Escaping Christianity, Escaping Fundamentalism, Leaving Christianity, Escaping Mormon, Escaping Scientology    

Female Protagonist, Strong Female Lead, Female Heroine, Woman Adventure, Men's Adventure

Near Future, Speculative Fiction

Religious Persecution, Religious Erotica, Religious Humor, Religious Mystery and Suspense

Satire, Satire Fiction, Literary Satire, Political Satire, Religious Satire

Secular Humanism, Humanist Fiction, Humanist Manifesto, Free-Thinker   

War On Christians, War Against Christianity, War Against Christians, War Against Christianity

View on Amazon, Link

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Excerpts

Characters

Suzze Osmond - Just ‘Suzze’ to her friends and admirers, who hits the road and questions her faith after her husband Joel’s head explodes during a sermon.

Jack, aka The Old Man - Suzze’s sometimes unwelcome traveling companion, a man with a dark past and quixotic disposition or, as Suzze describes him, “Cliché, cliché, cliché.”

Hopkins -  a talking commode with a fondness for Voltaire

Laurence Gelb - National Science Adviser to the President and commonly acknowledged “Smartest Man in The World”

Chaim Herschfeld - Bu-Jew Chief of Staff forcibly (re)converted to his native religion

Pastor Steve - Joel Osmond’s heir apparent, Christ Channeler, fashion plate, and shepherd to a multitude of Get-Ahead Christians

Pudge - (Williford ‘Pudge’ Ransom) the Man Behind the Man, who envisions all of eternity in Pastor Steve’s anal sphincter

Aradhana Tatas - Charged with  Indian domination of the U.S. economy.

Lisa - A murderous free-spirit.

Miss Left and Mr. right - A pair of worn but wise HushPuppies

Yeshu'a bar yosef - Who bears a striking resemblance to Keith Richards -- or is that Jeremy Irons? -- and who may or may not be, in fact, Yeshu'a bar yosef.

Cover Blurb | Introduction

What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man.

                               Hillel the Elder (c 110 BCE – 10 CE)

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As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man,
There are only four things certain since Social Progress began.
That the Dog returns to his Vomit,
And the Sow returns to her Mire,
The Whore to her Bed,
And the burnt Fool’s bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire.

                                       Rudyard Kipling, from Proverbs 26:11

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Televangelist Suzze Osmond Has Fallen From Grace.

Gone down market.

Big time.

Nothing sexual.

Nor financial.

None of the usual foibles that befall the high and mighty when they crash and burn.

Coming down is a bitch and as best she can figure, God himself is out to get her.

For a while, she’s content to hide out in her empty mansion with only a disapproving angel and an argumentative commode for company.

But the answers to what happened, and why, are on the outside.

Thus begins Suzze’s Quest for Salvation as she treks, half naked and barefoot across recession-racked America, squatting behind dumpsters and slinking down deserted streets, hanging out in paradise and motivating the multitudes – all while struggling to keep her irritable bowel syndrome at bay.

- end -

Chapter 1 | Gotta Go

| Gotta Go

Suzze Osmond paused to examine the scratches her broken fingernails were making in the soft leather of the Barcalounger she was dragging to the curb.

She stuck her index finger in her mouth, chewed off the offending burr, rolled it across her tongue, and spit it out.

Back to work.

Two steps and slide.

Two steps and slide.

She backed the recliner down the hill, her bare feet biting into the faux cobblestones of her textured driveway, which emptied into Buttermilk Road, which, in turn, wound and curved past dozens of other driveways just like hers on the south end of Aspen, Colorado.

Two steps and slide.

Two steps and slide.

Halfway there, she paused again to look down at the hundred or so people on the other side of the wrought iron security gate who edged forward when they saw her reappear.

Two steps and slide.

Two steps and slide.

The chair was heavy.

She was tired.

She repeated the cadence in her head, two steps and slide, two steps and slide until she reached the bottom of the hill.

She stopped a few feet short of the gate to catch her breath, closing her eyes and resting her head against the back of the chair, letting her fingers trace the ridges and scrolls of a logo, her logo, a big, ornate S, all swirls and twirls and curlicues in blue and pink and lavender embroidered into the cream-colored leather.

 A few seconds later, as if on cue, a slow crescendo began to arise from the other side, Sooz-zee, Sooz-zee, Sooz-zee.

Suzze opened her eyes, raised her head and looked over the crowd.

“Hey Suzze Woozy,” someone called out as she punched in the security code.

“Cutie Pootie,” another one chimed in.

The price of fame.

Word was out.

There was shit to be had.

But unlike the piles of junk in front of the foreclosures all over town, this was coming out in dribs and drabs, one piece at a time.

Mostly it was good stuff. High dollar stuff.

The Aspen Times, resorting to sensational headlines to prop up their declining circulation, blasted ‘Who The F**k Throws Away A Bentley!’ across the top of Page One in 120 point sans serif extra-bold. Nice car. On the curb. Keys in the ignition. Gone in 60 seconds.

But as valuable as most of the stuff was, the crowd camped outside the gate and spilling onto the road were there as much for the entertainment as they were for the booty. It was a picnic. A party. A family affair. Simple insanity played out in real time for the world to see.

Indie journalists from around the world sat in front of green screens pretending to be live and on the scene, spouting social commentary in a dozen different languages.

Local television chose the most derelict from the crowd for the 6 o’clock news, encouraging each one to hold up his or her favorite piece of Suzze memorabilia, a treasure to be sure.

‘Suzze Takes A Dump’ along with a hundred tasteless variations headlined a hundred different blogs, each trying to create the most controversy over America’s newest celebrity refugee. Controversy meant page views. Page views meant ads. Ads meant money, maybe only a penny a pop but it was a living for the stuck-at-homes – sort of.

Suzze had gone viral.

Trending again.

Tweeted back to life after a mysterious absence during which she was reported to have had a near death experience.

As with every tragedy, Internet marketing opportunities were born.

There was a box of camels. Stuffed camels. Porcelain camels. Squeaky camel toys. Cute little camel keychains. One hump. Two humps. Hundreds of them. No Kewpie dolls. No Teddy bears. No Beanie Babies. Just camels. A fat guy with greasy hair snatched them up and advertised them on Craigslist, each with its very own Certificate of Authenticity which he downloaded from a clip art site. The way he figured it, he could pay off his credit cards. Or not.

But wait, there’s more.

A sixteen-year-old girl living with her unemployed family in a flophouse motel outside of Orlando started selling embroidered Suzze bathrobes, pointing that the sash must be missing for the robe to be genuine, which hers, and only hers, were. She registered the name suzzewear.com and had her website up and running the same day. The girl, Sarah Garcia was her name, hooked up with a guy in India named Patel to source the goods and embroider the breast pocket logo. $39.95 a pop. Three easy payments. Another global business born, everything outsourced and offshored. The girl made $11.57 on every transaction direct to her PayPal account, running it all from a computer at the public library. Zero investment. Zero overhead. Damn, why didn’t I think of that?, a million jealous people whined.

Then there were the Thomas Kinkade paintings, dozens of them tossed in a pile on the curb outside the gate. At first, no one wanted them, didn’t know what they were. A couple of desperate housewives rifled through them and ripped the canvases out of eight of the frames to make placemats like they saw on the Katie Brown Workshop. Finally someone Googled thomas + kinkade and figured out the paintings were actually worth something, which caused a fist fight and even more broken frames and ripped canvases. Those that survived appeared on eBay a few hours later. Jackpot!

With the publicity came the publicity seekers.

Starting with TMZ. The stuff didn’t matter to them. All they wanted was a picture of her pussy. Correspondents on site. Stay tuned. Only a matter of time.

Of course there was a mime. Of course he wore a bathrobe with no sash. Of course he wore a frizzy blond wig and fake boobs. He swished and swirled and pretended to drag imaginary furniture and shove it out of an imaginary gate, pretending to pepper spray anyone who pretended to get too close. When the audience grew bored with that he sat on an imaginary toilet and made funny faces.

No doubt, it was the juggler the crowd liked best, especially the kids. Frying pans, pepper grinders, whips, paddles, dog collars, he could juggle it all, five at a time.

A bible thumping preacher, shirt sweated wet, alcohol on his breath, summoned fire and brimstone down upon them all until someone flicked a Wüsthof paring knife dead center in the ‘o’ of his Holy Bible. Incensed, the preacher pounded his fist higher still, calling for the wrath of God to avenge the injustice. A kid pulled a pink Taser from his pillowcase full of Suzze collectibles, shot the preacher in the ass and turned up the juice as they all watched him slobber and jitterbug on the ground.

When the preacher came to, he stumbled down the road, the wires still pinned to his rear end, the Taser bouncing along behind like a tin can tied to a dog’s tail.

“Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God,” he moaned.

The kid who shot him cupped his hands and yelled, “Hey asshole. That’s OMG, OMG, OMG.”

“LOL,” his buddy hollered after him.

As they laughed and jeered, an old man sitting cross-legged on the ground in the middle of the bunch reached over, pulled the knife from the bible and put both under his raincoat, unnoticed by anyone.

Suzze was used to crowds, knew how to play them.

She smiled along with the self-righteous women who felt sorry for her matted hair and humiliation and nodded to the sad old men who dreamed of getting her into the rack.

The teenage boys were the most annoying of all, snapping away with their iPhones and assorted digital devices. Her clinically perfect breasts had already been splashed across the blogosphere. Good money, but not great money. They were after bigger game, a high def jpeg of Suzze’s Velcro. It was rumored that her vajayjay was vajazzled, with Christ himself dangling from her Holy of Holies. All they had to do was get to it before TMZ. One of them, sensing an opportunity about to be lost and willing to risk electrocution poked his arm through the rungs of the iron gate and between her legs with the camera resting upward in his palm.

Click. He had it.

But as he lay on his back examining his catch in the preview screen, all he saw was a dark blur with a glint of gold in the middle. Worth a try. Maybe he could Photoshop it.

Suzze Osmond had lived all of her adult life in front of cameras and learned long ago how to show what she wanted to show and how not to show what she did not want them to see. Sorry boys, no crotch shots today.

Time to get on with it.

It was a routine that had taken some practice. She slipped on her electrician’s gloves, grabbed the back of the recliner and swung it around, then cracked the electrified gate just enough to squeeze the chair through, grunted and gave it one last shove before snapping the gate shut again, as she had been doing, box by box, piece by piece, for almost a week.

Early on, a few unhinged souls had in mind to charge the gate those few seconds it was open and Suzze had her hands full. She gave the first two or three rows an introductory pepper spray until they realized there was no need to steal shit when the shit comes to you. They behaved after that.

Suzze looked them over, her uninvited yard party. She wouldn’t miss them. Not a single one.

She slipped off the heavy rubber gloves and re-entered the security code.

That was it.

The last piece.

No more chairs.

No more cars.

No more appliances.

No more shoes, evening gowns, designer cookware, artwork, flatscreens, memorabilia, or bric-a-brac.

Nothing left.

Over.

Done.

Mission accomplished.

As Suzze stood there congratulating herself, a ragged woman jumped up, plopped down in the recliner, crossed her arms and leaned back, smiling, claiming it as her own.

Just as quickly, two burly Mexicans lifted the chair with her in it onto the back of a rusted out F-150 Longbed. The woman was grinning ear to ear with her arms still crossed in defiance when the biggest of the two grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, yanked her off the truck and through the air, tossing her back onto the pavement where she had been sitting just a minute before.

Suzze watched from the other side of the gate as the chair on the back of the truck wound down the road, around the curve and over the hill, her logo fading out of sight.

As it disappeared, forever she thought, she felt a queasiness deep in her belly, an urgent, loose, liquid softness.

It was a long trot back up the hill.

She hoped she could make it in time.

Reviews

Episode 1

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Awesome surprise within these pages, leaves you wanting more
I was given this book as a gift, and was admittedly ambivalent about reading it. Within pages, I had to know where Suzze would take me (and can't wait to see where she goes next). The writing style of this book is definitely on par with the style of a favorite author of mine, Chuck Palahniuk of Fight Club and Choke fame. I have a particular distaste for televangelists, and receive a sick pleasure from the role they've undertaken in this story. I cannot wait to see how the rest of this story unfolds.
Amazon Verified Purchase

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Entertaining, satirical view of religion, politics and life.
Protagonist Suzze and other characters seem to be formed from an amalgam of current day preachers, politicians and entertainers. They may just as easily represent similar voices from the past. Sex, politics and religion are usually shunned in polite conversation. In this book, they are in your face, no pulled punch. Fans of George Carlin and Bill Maher might feel quite at home with the language. A much larger audience will be pricked by the underlying message.
Author Connie Wellborne takes special aim at a few televangelists who are more interested in the biggest bank account, biggest house, biggest personal jet. The description slides into R rated expletive. Connie's anger approaches a fever pitch that evokes an image of a Jesus overturning the tables of the money changers.
Not for the faint of heart, this story will force some readers to examine the basis of their belief structure. Those who are still forming an opinion might join the audience that considered the words of Paul as he spoke of the unknown God.
Amazon Verified Purchase


Tom Robbins meets Bill Maher in anti-religion comedy romp.
This is the work of smart writers who have done their homework in crafting zippy dialog and a fast-paced narrative in a complex, layered plot. They evoke a Tom Robbin’s happy snideness in offbeat characters. Just in Episode One, I was entertained by many an imaginative, surprising scene and plot point. If I had had the whole book in hand, I'm sure I would have devoured this story.
Amazon Customer


Has Susie rebirthed herself from a profit for a Prophet? Artful, cynical, good fun.

At first, I was a bit bewildered at where this story line was going. Then, I took a long pause, and came to the realization that I was reading a Tom Robbins style novel. Slow down, enjoy the journey. So where, at first glance, the character development started out seemingly mundane, listless and aimless, somewhere along the way, Susie grabbed me. Perhaps it was her final angry confrontation with her toilet butler or Mathew, her angelic mini me statue...I don't know, but somewhere, Susie's delusions, her cynical but realistic assessment of her predicament, her gritty realization that all she wanted was to be home setting on a park bench, with or without disciples at her feet..... it all suddenly became a story that I need to see to the end. I want to see if Susie becomes an actual Messiah, or does she just get accused of being one. Is Jack's motivation to lead Susie to ... Well, to where, I just don't know...a truth or a deception? I just don't know but I sure want to.....the snarky hype with all the current celebrity name dropping is fun, too. And did I understand, btw, that California succeeded from the Union?, Really? Cool.
Amazon Customer

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Suzze still looking for traction in episode one
This is the work of a smart writer who has done his work in crafting zippy dialog and a fast-paced narrative in a complex, layered plot.  He evokes a Tom Robbin’s happy snideness in offbeat characters.  But why release a book in episodes in this age of distraction, when people’s attention spans have reached new levels of brevity?  Why? The novel is successful in every novel’s primary goal of getting the reader to want to see what’s on the next page.  On the other hand, I found myself regularly put off.  Here are some examples.  After Suzze has given away every item in her mansion, she has an extended dialog with her talking commode and her talking angel statue.  Okay, I get it.  She’s mega rich and can buy the most advanced technology.  But these robots at this point of the story have the most developed human personalities in the book.
The real plot markers of the story—a football player is struck dead as he gives thanks to God after scoring a touchdown, and Suzze’s evangelist’s husband’s head cracks open during a sermon—are really intriguing, especially punctuated by the side bars about lawyers suing religions for child abuse and the talking Baby Jesus dolls that tell kids to kill their parents.  Clever stuff.
Advance Reader


I love the Suzze character and it's easy to see that she's going to end up dominating the world or something like that and the writing is good and it moves along fast but with two or three plot lines running all the time, it's like Game of Thrones which I'm not crazy about, you just have to pay too much attention. If you like a complex narrative, this is for you. If you don't, you won't.
Advance Reader

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The Authors

Interview with Wellborne and Santana

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Images

Episode Covers | 400x220 | rbg | png | 72 dpi | right click = copy

Print E 1-2-3 | 400x300 | rbg | png | 72 dpi | right click = copy

Masthead White Bkg | 400x417 | rbg | png | 72 dpi | right click = copy

Masthead White Bkg | 400x417 | rbg | png | 72 dpi | right click = copy

eJesus | 300x200 | rbg | png | 72 dpi | right click = copy

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Trailers

Contact us for specs and formats

The War Between the Christians and the Atheists

Televangelist Suzze Osmond is on the run.

Move Over Jesus, There's a New Girl in Town

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